Breakups SUCK no matter what, that is just the bottom line. It’s never fun or easy, and in the moment your heart can feel like it will never be whole again. Whether you broke up with them or they broke up with you, it’s just hard.
Breakups also look and feel different for everyone. However, knowing you are not alone can hopefully give you a little comfort. Heartbreak happens to everyone, but fortunately we grow from it, we learn from it. And eventually realize it ALL HAPPENS FOR A REASON and you will be OK.
It has officially been a year since I ended a 14-year relationship. And let me tell you if you were to ask me years ago if I ever thought I would be where I am now or I would ever get over that heartbreak. I would think that question is crazy. However, you’re stronger than you know… I was stronger than I ever imagined I would be. I think it has a lot to do with knowing I gave the relationship all I could. People grow apart (that’s life) and I’m true believer in what’s meant for you will be yours, what’s not, wont.
And if you continue to remember that things get a little easier.
If you’re going through a break up, know you’re not alone. To help you through this time, below is a list of things that helped me this past year. In reading this list, I hope it can ease your heartache as it did me and give you a little more hope, if even just a little.
How To Get Over A Breakup:
Make a list
One of the best pieces of advice I got from a close friend was to make a list. A list of all the reasons why I was no longer with my ex, so when or if I had moments of weakness or back and forth thoughts of making the right decision, I would always have this list to refer to. Because I was the one to end the relationship, it was easier for me to make this list to refer to from time to time. However, each breakup is different.
And if you aren’t the one who ended it, instead of this, you could create a different type of list. A list of reflections, lessons learned or things you want for your next relationship, new goals for yourself, qualities you look for in your person, etc. Making this list isn’t an easy task. And it doesn’t need to be done in one day. Just START and when you feel good or feel like sitting down with a cup of tea or glass of wine let your thoughts flow.
Lean on friends and family
Talk to them, go out with them, get coffee, go on walks, have sleep overs. Whatever it is, be with them and lean on them. Throughout my relationship, I remained close with all my friends and made them a priority. Because of this we have such close bonds, and they were all there for me at this time when I needed them most.
I remember saying to my friend, “Wow! I don’t know what I did to deserve this much support.” And she replied “What do you mean? It’s what you give to everyone else.” I remember feeling reassured at that moment that I’d be okay no matter what because I had all the support I needed. This was a reminder to me that in any relationship, always keep friends a priority.
There are two parts to this whole time concept. And you probably know what part one is. Yes, I know it’s the most cliché saying in the book, but it really is true.
The more you begin to experience this and truly understand it, the easier it will be to move on. A little exercise I do, is to take myself out of the moment. Think of a time I once thought was difficult, sad, and never ending. Then I look at myself and where I am right now and remember that I got past that tough moment and I will get past this one too. In life, we always enjoy and embrace the ups, but this means we have to get through those downs as well. Understanding that a breakup is just another down will help put into perspective. That in time, you will be on your way up to bigger and better things, and this too will pass.
Give yourself a time goal.
Whether this is a few days or a couple of weeks, set a goal for when you will put down the ice cream, wipe your tears away, get out of bed, force yourself to put some lip stick on, curl your hair, and get back to your daily routine.
My breakup was the first week of December, which meant Christmas (my absolute favorite time of year) was just around the corner. I wasn’t going to let anything take that away. However, I knew I needed time to grieve and let go. So this meant the house wasn’t decorated as it normally would be and I didn’t spend hours getting/wrapping gifts, baking or decorating cookies.
Even though this life changing event threw my holiday season out of whack, I knew there was always going to be next year. I laid low, I got off social media, took long walks outside with friends, ate pizza (when I felt like eating) in bed and binge watched all my favorite holiday hallmarks and rom coms. However, once Christmas Eve came around, I got dressed, took a deep breath, put on a cute outfit and headed to my family’s Christmas Eve dinner. That breath of fresh air and quiet time allowed me to reflect and see just how much I had to be grateful for.
Another anecdote to help put things in perspective is a time that I asked one of my best friends who had lost their dad 2 years prior, “how are you so strong, how did you just get back to normal life so quickly” and her response really hit home… she said “life doesn’t stop because your sad and work doesn’t go away because you’re going through a tough time.” It was something I kept with me for all these years and when I was going through my breakup, I remembered it and it really helped put things into perspective.
Working out has always been a huge stress reliever. One exercise in particular that I found so relaxing was long walks outside… really breathing in the fresh air. I’d call up a friend and we’d drive to my favorite neighborhood where we would talk about the beautiful homes, and anything and everything that came to mind. Working out also releases endorphins, especially when you have good company and beautiful views. This really helps bring you to better sprits. I am a big believer in when you feel good about yourself, inside and out by your own personal definition, you glow and exude confidence more than ever.
In my experience, finding that new confidence in myself was important. No matter what time of day it was, I made it a point to always take at least 30 minutes of my day to go to the gym and work out or use my favorite at home workout app, Verv. Setting aside this time for myself everyday gave me something to look forward to. It was and continues to be that something on my schedule that was just for me. I also didn’t think of it as working out all the time, I thought of it as ME time.
Say YES even when you want to say no. Keeping a routine is important to me. But pushing myself to get a little uncomfortable and out of my home body shell was also essential for me…after all I wasn’t going to move on, find anyone, or have new experiences sitting at home (lol). With the new year approaching I told myself a useful New Year’s resolution was to say yes, especially when I wanted to stay in. I did more Happy Hours (minus the alcohol) but even with water, happy hours with the girlfriends are fun, good for the soul, and you can still get to bed early lol. I said yes to spontaneous travel or last-minute plans and I really feel like it woke me up in the best way.
I think talking your emotions through is very important and extremely healthy for your mind, heart, and soul. I am so thankful I have close friends who were and are always willing to listen and talk things through with me. However, whether you confide in those friends or not, sometimes having a third party who doesn’t know you and may have other tools to help you self-reflect is crucial. I went to therapy towards the end of my relationship. And it helped clarify and make realizations about myself and about my relationship.
Block them on Social Media
STOP snooping. The more you snoop, the more you may dig yourself into a hole… a hole of assumptions… “They are happier without me, they have already moved on, etc. etc.”. But remember…
- Things can appear better than they are and just because it looks as though they are moving on doesn’t mean they aren’t hurting.
- It is important to remember that you broke up for a reason and you both are allowed to move on.
- Snooping isn’t productive. Keeping tabs on them is time taken out of your precious day. It could also block your heart from what is really meant to come your way.
Keep your head forward and your chin up my dear because “whatever is ahead of you is exactly what’s meant for you.” Your past is behind you for a reason.
Get a Puppy
This advice is relative as it is a lot of work. And it should not be your only means of healing or for getting a new puppy. But wow I had no idea just how much my babes helped my soul. I truly think everything happens for a reason and this was another instance that proved those words to be true.
I actually had my name on the waitlist to get the puppies before the breakup. We broke up in December… my pups were born in January and I got to bring them home in February. They truly came at the most perfect time. I had a couple months to grow and heal on my own. And to the best surprise of my life my babes have brought me the most joy.
Get passionate about something
My blog is a huge passion of mine, I truly love every aspect of it and it has always been and is a dream of mine to grow it , however it wasn’t until my break up I realized just how much I put it off or just how much more time I could have been putting towards it. I put more into my relationship than anything else, and that isn’t a bad thing. Its no ones fault but I am thankful I learned now… I want more balance.
Having something to be passionate about that is completely yours is something that is healthy for your soul. If you already have that passion and something that makes you happy, try not to lose it in a relationship. And if you are going through a break up, throw yourself back into your passions, or use this time for figure out what that passion might be.
It really is true what they say, YOU CAN LOVE AGAIN… and YOU WILL LOVE AGAIN.
Something that keeps me excited is remembering that feeling of falling in love and the thought I get to one day experience all those good emotions again. And if that isn’t worth the heartache, I don’t know what is.
One last thing that I learned this past year when it comes to getting over a relationship…
Above all else, if you can focus on today and all the good you have and making it the best day ever, then wake up each day and focus on just that day like you did yesterday. The days will turn into weeks and the weeks will turn into months. And a year later you’ll be living your life. You’ll suddenly realize you moved on. And the person you are today is exactly who you want to be moving forward. And you did it all for yourself and without someone else.
I haven’t really ever be alone or on my own. So this was a big year for me, and I even surprised myself. I grew on my own and for myself. And that is something I’m always going to hold onto as I continue on because I will say I’m pretty darn proud.
…and here I am one year later. I truly think this has been one of the best years of my life. I learned so much, I fell more in love with myself. And I truly feel appreciative for all that I have and experienced because it has made me that much stronger.
If you are going through it, I’m here for you, I wish you well and I wish you healing.